Back At Work
Three weeks ago on July 29th, I was in such a bad state that I was almost ready to admit myself to a psychiatric hospital. I had slept 6 hours in 4 days. I was not coping even while taking anti-anxiety medication three times a day. I was so lethargic that my girlfriend was spoon-feeding me. I was too anxious to take a shower. I was constantly fixated on every physical sensations in my body. I was crying everyday. It felt like my body was operating on nothing but cortisol and adrenaline. I was housebound from anxiety and bed bound from exhaustion.
Today is August 21st and I'm happy to say that I’m feeling so much better since then. I’ve started back at work part-time which although has been tiring to adjust to, I’m enjoying the sense of routine and accomplishment I’m getting from being back. I’m mostly comfortable with functioning around the house now. Things I’ve been doing include house chores like laundry and cooking, stretches and light exercises, as well as activities like reading, colouring, and occasionally some games or TV (Bob Ross has been my go-to on most evenings). I’ve been sleeping so much better, feeling more positive, and I feel more like myself again.
With that said, there's still aways to go. Yesterday I went to the entrance of the supermarket which I was proud about. Today I went there again, but felt much less anxious than yesterday and also extended my distance and duration a bit. I still feel quite tired during the day, but I’m managing without napping which is a big change from a couple of weeks ago where I was spending almost all day tied to the couch. Yesterday as I bathed in the sun for a while, I felt a sense of normality and for the first time is as long as I can remember, and genuine happiness. I’ve been noticing a naturally increasing desire to be outside, especially as Spring starts to show its colours and the days gets brighter and warmer. I’ve been less fixated on and less bothered by physical sensations in my body, and I’m coming to terms with being accepting of factors and circumstances I have no control of. I’ve also observed that I don’t fuse with thoughts of panic as much as I used to, and don’t spiral into disaster. I’m able to manage any sensations of discomfort by breathing through them and using techniques such as expansive awareness and grounding, which have been quite effective for me.
Progress hasn't been all linear, though. I've had setbacks and days where I felt really quite bad, but I was always able to get back on my feet within a couple of days. Starting work was a difficult new exposure to my routine, so some of the challenges I've faced this week were probably attributable to that, but I'm still very glad to be back at work. It wasn't unexpected to me that starting back would be a challenge.
